Alpha

Okay, I have absolutely no one to talk to and no where to post how I feel at the moment so feel lucky blog.You can't write anything on FB anymore for fear that someone somewhere will turn it around and then everyone will either know your business or think they know your business. And I do not want everyone to know my business and say whats wronggggggg, don't talk about me, I can't believe you did that, why r u mad.....I just want to bitch with out a response. So heres the deal. Imagine an extremely OCD person coming home to their home being completely rearranged. Well, after 12 hours of work and 3 hours of soccer thats what I got to come home to! I may of over reacted by screaming, ripping pictures off the wall, crying but hey, it's my house, my stuff, that has taken me years to make perfect! Now, the babysitter is in charge of this fiasco. She was simply trying to help, as she put it still not understanding how that helped, and had called me earlier that day and said she was going to dust which was fine. But when I arrived home at 9pm to realize all 11 rooms of my house has been changed....omg! My wine room, my back porch, my fridge, my dvds rearranged, all the pictures on every wall of the house, my drawers in the kitchen, my vases and kids awards wall, my shelves, my desk, my files, cut up my baby pictures, wrote "I love you" in all of my books, pulled out my wedding planning book I had hid for the wedding I never had and wrote notes in it, moved the animals food bowls, changed the bath room. I didn't even eat dinner I was so upset. So after my breakdown last night I woke up numb but calm. I had everything planned out for the speak I would have to give. Oh and did I tell you that this babysitter is a very good friend of mine lol! I know right! Oh and did I tell you that while I was having my breakdown my oldest son comes up to me and says" mom, why is she changing everything? It's like she's trying to become the new mom"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG It already hurts to be a working mom and I worry about this "hand that rocks the cradle" scenario all the time but I've never actually said it out loud. Apparently my son is very perspective. Any way, the babysitter arrived this morning...I said we need to have a talk, in my chippery voice covered with a smile. "Uh OH" she said. No it's okay I just wanted to talk to you about yesterday. As much as I appreciate all that you do for me I think that this was crossing your boundaries. The water works started instantly. No not me. She started bawling. Sending me into shock. I thought long and hard about the proper words....I never raised my voice and tried to be very unoffending, and I still had a lot more to say! Why was she crying???!!! I wiped her tears and gave her a hug. Said I love you top the kids and left the house baffled. I waited all day for a post on FB about it or something crazy...well I just received a text from her. She wants to make it up to me with a pedicure.
And people wonder why I feel crazy.

Be Like Mike

I have never seen so many damn copy cats in my life! Everything I write, say, do, design, where, go...what have ya everyone has to copy! Now lets get a few things straight. 1st off i'm pretty sure it is not a coincidence like you are probably saying to yourself. I will have to dive into in in another rant but I have a certain allure that even I don't understand that draws people in. They idol me, envy me, and want to be like me when they grow up, flattering yes but5 I have no idea why they want to be like me?! I have a million flaws. So NO it's not a freak coincidence. 2nd, I am not pissed they are all copying me (that is until someone compliments them and they say it was all them) I am flattered and just feel like ranting about it. Recently I have been on a big kick to finding myself and inner peace. No more following trends or doing what others do i'm doing what I like and it seems that no one else had the same god damn interests until I announced them to the world. Maybe I make people feel more comfortable. I try to be very outgoing and make everyone feel comfortable and promote self confidence. Everything I was not in HS. I think being from a small town with no direction and a close minded upbringing made for the lost picked on didn't fit in anywhere girl I was then. As I went off to college, experience new things and cultured myself I figured out who I was and that I could be proud of what I liked. I LOVE ME NOW. I like who I am and have learned to surround myself with loved ones, no negative people, no jealousy, I love what I do at work, no one makes fun of the way I dress, everyone eats and drinks what I eat and drink! I mean, eating sushi never crossed my mind on the farm lol. So since I love me know (not that I hated me before, just didn't fit in) I guess it is wonderful that everyone wants to "be like Mike" because hopefully I can give them the courage to do the same with their lives. Find themselves and be content, confident, and proud.

Stretched to the Limit

At what point do you stop and say enough is enough?... It's a vicious cycle to get stuck in. You start out with tons of energy wanted to make the most of everything and give everyone around you the best. Exhausting yourself night after night to make sure everything is perfect. Trudging on without acknowledgement or thank yous by telling yourself that your time will come, forget about the small thank yous and keep going because you will be acknowledged big soon! Slowly merging into the habit of forgetting about yourself to take care of everyone else. Until one day it becomes too much. You decide to go on strike until you are noticed for your kind deeds. No more doing dishes. No more gourmet dinners from scratch after being gone 12 hrs at work. No more bringing surprise gifts home for everyone. No more trips to the zoo, putt-putt and the pool. No more bringing snacks to practices. No more getting up early to make a big breakfast that no one ends up eating anyway. No more climbing in the barn in 5 inch heels to take care of the animals. No more going out of my way to do for everyone else when no one does for me!
The laundry starts to pile up. The dishes over flow onto the counter tops. The bills don't get paid and everyone is hungry. This can't go one this way. Even though you want to prove a point you are too selfless to let anyone you love suffer. Besides it's obvious that no one else will help so all you are really doing is adding more work for your self. You were caught up....now...now you could spend weeks just on laundry alone.
So what is the solution. How does one manage to trudge on through their daily acts of constantly giving the world to ones that could care less with out a small thank you. The pain can cut deeper into the heart than any knife.You question if it is just you or are all families like this. Is the grass truly greener on the other side or are they just using a different technique to water it?
I feel drained, unloved, and unappreciated. I have given up all of my dreams for them and now my dreams are only of them achieving.
A wise person once said the you may not get back what you give, but it is what you give that defines who you are to the world.
Should that be enough to satisfy the heart?

Eat It With Your Pinky Up.

If you have patience with a side of ambition, motivation and a smile the world will be handed to you on a platter.

Cut The Crap

Day one of trying to ween myself off of the coffee. Coffee was once the highlight of my morning. Any more I find myself in a jittery state after just one cup and I simply can't stand it. I have changed the way I've made it, I've switched brands, changed from artifical sweetner to natural sugar...I even tried decaf! It all seems to effect me in some way or another, and effect me in a negative way. Sooo, I'm quiting the coffe. Apparently my body just doen't like it any more. But I'm having a problem finding a replacement. I tried tea today and I can already tell ya that I need something different. Possibly some orange juice with some ginseng supplement pills. Ginseng is suppose to be a natural energy right? ... Guess we'll find out!